Notes On: Humor and Sarcasm

Humor! One of the most social habits of humanity, as well as one of the most perplexing, humor exists to help us make light of serious situations. It's also there to help us open up a conversation, or even impress an audience. In short, humor is a quintessentially human concept that serves a very social function. Some aspects of humor, however, tend to confuse and confound more than make others laugh. Sarcasm, for instance, is often a form of humor that confuses others. It can even be used to express dissatisfaction to another person, much different from what many people think of when they think of humor.

The Aspie Insiders met recently to talk about humor, looking specifically at the matter of sarcasm. We covered in depth how to tell when a person is being sarcastic. The bulk of this discussion will appear later on this blog. For today, though, let's consider why people choose to be sarcastic. It's a question that came up during our conversation, and it's important to understand how sarcasm can be used for good... and for bad.

Sarcasm is an interesting form of humor, one that can be immensely funny when used in a proper context. Some people who are said to have a "sarcastic sense of humor" often have great success in making others laugh. With a dry, sometime even biting sense of humor, this seems counter intuitive. The trick, though, is that people around them grow to understand that personality trait, and in doing so grow closer to the person behind the humor. Sarcastic people can be endearing people to know, the ones who boldly say what's on their mind and require some getting used to. This character from Parks and Recreation, a popular television show, fits this description perfectly:

At the same time, sarcasm can be an inhibitor to making others laugh. It's not uncommon for sarcasm to do the opposite and turn others away. After all, there's a fine line between sarcasm and rudeness. Part of this is because sarcasm is also used as a tool -- a signal that someone just isn't happy about something. Sarcasm can convey disapproval in a way that being openly rude cannot. When a person uses sarcasm to express dissatisfaction with something, they accomplish two dangerous things: 1. They communicate their disapproval, and 2. They keep their intentions hidden (unless, of course, the other person is smart enough to figure this out). Since sarcasm employs irony to convey an opposite meaning, understanding what is actually being said is almost presented as a challenge. Fail the challenge, and it makes a person look foolish.

As an example, let's pretend that Bobby (our sarcastic fellow in this situation) does not like the color red. Amy, a friend of Bobby's, gets Bobby a red hat for his birthday. When he opens his gift and sees the hat, he is dissatisfied. Using sarcasm to convey this feeling, Bobby states, "Wow, a red hat. Thanks. I really appreciate it."

Now, Bobby actually does not like this hat, given that it's red. Instead of making his thoughts clearly known, he opts to use sarcasm. In doing so, he leaves his true feelings hidden. Amy may or may not understand that Bobby actually doesn't like the hat, but it's up to her to figure it out. If she cannot detect the sarcasm, then she looks even more foolish. This is the reason sarcasm can be so destructive, for it uses smoke and mirrors to express frustration, anger, and dissatisfaction.

DO YOU USE SARCASM TO MAKE OTHERS LAUGH, OR HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TOLD YOU HAVE A "SARCASTIC" SENSE OF HUMOR? IF SO, WHAT HAVE BEEN YOUR SUCCESSES AND PITFALLS WITH USING THIS TYPE OF HUMOR? LEAVE A COMMENT IN THE SECTION BELOW.

Challenges In The Workplace

The Aspie Insiders met up this week to talk about the challenges they have faced in the workplace. From the issue of stress to the matter of prioritizing, our members had some incredibly introspective things to say about the professional world and offered their own perspectives on it — including many things that most people don't often consider.

During our discussion, it seemed the Insiders focused on only a handful of challenges in the workplace. These will be listed below along with the highlights of our discussion.

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• Stress

Stress can be an extremely debilitating factor that often negates a person's success in the workplace. It is silent, unseen, and affects everyone differently. Therefore, it is often a hard thing to deal with. The Insiders had some answers here, however, sharing their own tips for dealing with anxiety. Some members described their stress as being very physical in nature, and so they deal with it accordingly by using therapy balls or even a small trampoline to bounce on and get rid of that built up energy. Other members shared more conventional methods of managing stress, such as listening to calming music or exercising.

The trend over the past twenty years for most people in the workforce has been a drastic increase in productivity matched with income levels that have roughly stayed the same. As such, many in the workforce feel overworked and stressed out, handling by themselves what two or three people managed in the past. With this in mind, we concluded that stress is something that has to be managed. It should be an important part of any person's life and should be addressed on a daily basis.

• Boredom

Some of our Insiders expressed an interesting challenge they have while on the job — that of boredom. While many jobs present high-stress situations, there are also jobs out there that include lots of down time. To the aforementioned overworked individual, this might seem like a good thing, but as any person who has worked in retail during slow hours will tell you, it can truly be a nightmare.

One of our members prefaced our entire discussion on boredom by stating that he often seeks out things to do when things get slow at the place he works. By doing this, he said, he avoids boredom and shows his supervisor that he values his job and has a healthy work ethic. With the popularity of smartphones, I imagine this as an opportunity often overlooked. An employee cannot complain of boredom if there are still responsibilities to meet.

If, however, you find yourself bored to tears with nothing else to do, there are some things you can do. If it doesn't interrupt your ability to meet customers' needs, listening to music or audiobooks might be the way to go. One member said that he does just this at his job as a document processor. Speaking of customers, interacting with them is a great way to avoid boredom (and it shows a proper work ethic). And finally, you might consider making menial tasks fun in your own way: challenge yourself, get coworkers involved, inject some humor into the task. A little creativity can truly be a boredom killer.

• Multitasking

When this topic came up in discussion, one of our members made a very clear, decisive statement: "Multitasking is a myth." In researching this a bit since our meeting, it seems to be the case. From an article featured on NPR, this statement rings true: "The research is almost unanimous, which is very rare in social science, and it says that people who chronically multitask show an enormous range of deficits. They're basically terrible at all sorts of cognitive tasks, including multitasking."

The article can be found here.

• Prioritizing

If multitasking, then, is essentially a dead end, what are we left with? Basically, the Insiders determined that prioritizing rather than multitasking is the way to go. That, of course, can be a challenge in and of itself. Figuring out what tasks one has to complete is the first step, but then figuring out the order in which to do those things is the next one.

Making lists is always helpful. One member said that he lists out everything he can think of that he has to get done. Purging one's mind of those thoughts instantly reduces anxiety — you have gotten it "out of your system" — and it helps to see those responsibilities laid out. After this, ask yourself what requires immediate attention. You can work your backwards from here, deciding what needs to be done before the day's end, what needs to be caught up on, and what can wait. Essentially, designating a system for this is the way to go — it might take some practice to effectively gauge the order in which tasks should be completed, but this will go a long way in helping you make correct decisions.

BELOW, SHARE YOUR OWN CHALLENGES IN THE WORKPLACE. HOW HAVE YOU DEALT WITH THEM? WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE THOSE WHO ARE RELATIVELY NEW TO THE WORKING WORLD? LET US KNOW!

Conversation Skills and "The Mountain"

The Aspie Insiders recently met up together to talk about a huge requirement for interacting with other people: having communication skills. Specifically, we mapped out the course of a typical conversation step by step, being careful to explain how each stage of a typical conversation differs and what it looks like in real life.

With this in mind, we would like to share with you our "Conversation Mountain," a carefully plotted map for how typical conversations progress:

The six steps to this conversation pattern are fairly simple, and they provide a fair picture of what is going on while two people are interacting with words:

1. Greeting. The greeting is as simple as saying "hi," though our members agree that even this can be difficult in the right context (such as introducing yourself to a person you're attracted to).

2. Small Talk, Part 1. For the first phase of small talk, our members noted that people generally ask questions to get a conversation started. The "W" stands for "wonder questions," which are essentially questions asked because of something that one is wondering about another person.

3. Small Talk, Part 2. As we transition into small talk, we go from asking wonder questions to asking "followup questions" (that's what the "F" stands for in our image). As the name implies, these questions are following up on bits of information gained from asking wonder questions.

4. Deep, Personal Conversation. The top of the mountain in terms of conversation is without a doubt the best place to be. Our members noted that at this part of the conversation, the topics discussed are usually personal and complex. In a way, the whole practice of "small talk" is for reaching this area of the mountain, where people can be themselves and talk about the things that interest them.

5. The Wrap Up. At this part in the conversation, things are winding down. Even though the top of the mountain is a great place to be, it requires a lot of energy and can't be enjoyed forever. When time is running out or interest is fading, our members noted that people generally indicate a conclusion to things by saying something like "Well, it was great talking to you, but I gotta run."

6. "Goodbye." This part of the mountain represents the end to the conversation and is usually marked by a departing remark such as "see ya" or "alright, I'm out" — something simple to indicate to the other person that you are done with the conversation.

On our conversation mountain, you will also notice a bridge connecting "small talk" to the "wrap up." One of our members suggested this, since in many cases small talk is used as a courtesy to others rather than as a way to get into deep, personal conversations (people typically do this when they know they won't have time to get to "4" in a conversation). Of course, the bridge can go the other way as well — that is, in the process of "wrapping up" you may discover a topic the other person wants to talk about.

As far the river goes, that was added for aesthetic appeal. If, however, you think it can be a metaphor for how we converse, let us know in the comments section below!

WHAT DID YOU THINK OF OUR CONVERSATION MOUNTAIN? DID WE FULLY COVER THE PROCESS THAT OCCURS WHEN PEOPLE TALK TO EACH OTHER? AND, DO YOU THINK THIS IS HELPFUL FOR THOSE WHO HAVE DIFFICULTY NAVIGATING The Aspie Insiders recently met up together to talk about a huge requirement for interacting with other people: having communication skills. Specifically, we mapped out the course of a typical conversation step by step, being careful to explain how each stage of a typical conversation differs and what it looks like in real life.

With this in mind, we would like to share with you our "Conversation Mountain," a carefully plotted map for how typical conversations progress:

The six steps to this conversation pattern are fairly simple, and they provide a fair picture of what is going on while two people are interacting with words:

Greeting. The greeting is as simple as saying "hi," though our members agree that even this can be difficult in the right context (such as introducing yourself to a person you're attracted to).

Small Talk, Part 1. For the first phase of small talk, our members noted that people generally ask questions to get a conversation started. The "W" stands for "wonder questions," which are essentially questions asked because of something that one is wondering about another person.

Small Talk, Part 2. As we transition into small talk, we go from asking wonder questions to asking "followup questions" (that's what the "F" stands for in our image). As the name implies, these questions are following up on bits of information gained from asking wonder questions.

Deep, Personal Conversation. The top of the mountain in terms of conversation is without a doubt the best place to be. Our members noted that at this part of the conversation, the topics discussed are usually personal and complex. In a way, the whole practice of "small talk" is for reaching this area of the mountain, where people can be themselves and talk about the things that interest them.

The Wrap Up. At this part in the conversation, things are winding down. Even though the top of the mountain is a great place to be, it requires a lot of energy and can't be enjoyed forever. When time is running out or interest is fading, our members noted that people generally indicate a conclusion to things by saying something like "Well, it was great talking to you, but I gotta run."

"Goodbye." This part of the mountain represents the end to the conversation and is usually marked by a departing remark such as "see ya" or "alright, I'm out" — something simple to indicate to the other person that you are done with the conversation.

On our conversation mountain, you will also notice a bridge connecting "small talk" to the "wrap up." One of our members suggested this, since in many cases small talk is used as a courtesy to others rather than as a way to get into deep, personal conversations (people typically do this when they know they won't have time to get to "4" in a conversation). Of course, the bridge can go the other way as well — that is, in the process of "wrapping up" you may discover a topic the other person wants to talk about.

As far the river goes, that was added for aesthetic appeal. If, however, you think it can be a metaphor for how we converse, let us know in the comments section below!

WHAT DID YOU THINK OF OUR CONVERSATION MOUNTAIN? DID WE FULLY COVER THE PROCESS THAT OCCURS WHEN PEOPLE TALK TO EACH OTHER? AND, DO YOU THINK THIS IS HELPFUL FOR THOSE WHO HAVE DIFFICULTY NAVIGATING CONVERSATIONS?

Flexibility And Pet Peeves

One of the greatest challenges we as people may experience in our lives is that of being flexible -- of managing conflicts or frustrations in a reasonable and mature manner.  When a person at the grocery store line jumps in front of you or accidentally spills juice all over your shoes.  Or when the person waiting on your table at a restaurant forgets to put in your order.  Or maybe even the neighbor's dog barking in the middle of the night and keeping you up.  These are all moments when a bit of patience and flexibility can go a long way!

The Aspie Insiders met up last week to discuss this concept and what it means to us.  Here are some of the thoughts they had on the subject:

• One Insider mentioned the need to be flexible while he worked at Harris-Teeter.  He explained that in moments when he lost his cool, he was quick to apologize.
• Another member talked about how some people can "cross boundaries" in a given situation and make being flexible an extremely hard thing to do.
• It's important to keep in mind that there's a proper balance between being assertive and being flexible.  Being flexible doesn't mean that you're willing to be taken advantage of; rather, it means that a person can get along with others in times of stress.
• If you're stressed out or feel you can't be flexible, it's important to take steps to fix a situation before it starts.

As we talked about the importance of being flexible, one of our members mentioned the way the general population views Asperger's Syndrome.  It was mentioned that most people tend to treat those with Asperger's just as normal people.  This works most of the time, but in moments of stress (especially in either an educational or occupational setting) the Insiders wished other people would be more flexible with them.

The last thing we added to the discussion was a quick step-by-step list for asking for help.  It looked something like this:

1. Identify what you need
2. Identify who you should talk to to get what you need
3. Think about what you need to say to this person
4. Address the issue or challenge
5. Work together to produce solutions
6. Repeat if necessary

In today’s hectic, crowded world, following these steps and asking for help can significantly improve a person's life.  Help exists, but being able to know when and how to ask for it is a skill in itself.

IN THE COMMENTS SECTION, SHARE YOUR OWN STORY ABOUT HOW ASKING FOR HELP MADE YOUR LIFE A LOT EASIER.  WHAT TIPS DO YOU HAVE FOR THOSE WHO STRUGGLE WITH ASKING FOR HELP?

The Difference Between Being a Child and Being an Adult

The Difference Between Being a Child and Being an Adult?

So just what is the difference between being a child and being an adult?  It is a matter of responsibility and obligation?  Or perhaps it has to do with appearance and the way a person dresses him/herself?  Maybe it simply comes down to intelligence.

Here’s a video to help clue you in on some of those differences.  Check it out!

BELOW, FEEL FREE TO SHARE YOUR OWN THOUGHTS ON JUST HOW PEOPLE BECOME EMOTIONALLY MATURE! IS THIS ALL THERE IS TO IT, OR IS THERE MORE?

Labels: The Pros, Cons, and Effects on Society

Today, we have a submission from one of our very own Aspie Insiders, Miles Bumgardner. He writes about the pros and cons of labeling, a very interesting subject that affects every single one of us. Check it out below!

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"Labels: the pros, cons and effects on society"

"Mommy, look at the funny looking man. Is he a clown"?

"No dear, that's what he really looks like".

"Oh, he looks soooooooo weird".

It seems that, even at the youngest of ages, we as individuals are bred to label people and things that appear unusual to us. Rather than attempt to make the leap and discover what this person/thing is, we tend to fall back on the "acceptable" stereotypes we've learned from mainstream media to our own families. The guy with saggy pants suddenly becomes a gangsta. The blonde chick who sits next to you in math class is "out of your league". The child who struggles with even the simplest forms of math is viewed as being stupid.

Any of this sound familiar? Maybe you have been in these shoes yourself? Heck, I know I have!

From the outside the act of labeling can appear as harmless — though sometimes excessive — joking around. But there is always a strong possibility that within the victim there is quite a bit of damage being done. The pickings may not be all on physical appearance but rather on behavioral interactions in their environment. Personally speaking, this is where having Aspergers Syndrome places me deep within the labeling camp. Because what I do, think, and say is not the same as a certain group's I therefore become the weirdo. The outsider, who now finds it difficult to approach people because of their preconceived views on me.

Then again, I guess we all are in the labeling camp in this life. Personally, I find being labeled is like be branded as a type of food. After aren't we all, in essence, just walking packages of meat? The only difference is that some of us haven't been shrink wrapped yet!

Labels….What are they good for?

One can see how labeling individuals from a psychological standpoint can be rather helpful. Using a type of diagnostic labeling can help with a large amount of information, which can prove beneficial to the party being diagnosed to receive proper help. For example, when one hears the term "bipolar disorder", a trained professional will know and understand all about what it conveys (hopefully). There are theories stating that whatever happens within the mind can be shown on the outside of an individual. The depressed girl will wear the look and bear the air of depression, even though she may be completely oblivious to the fact she is doing so. Her philosophy can be affected, which in turn affects the way she interacts with the world, within and around herself. This may lead a way for others to take notice and proceed to help her.

Another advantage to the pro use of labeling is that, once something has been identified, one can look up information about it. Using music to guide us, let's say you want to look up similar artists to, say, Led Zeppelin. With today's technology that wouldn't be to hard: merely google "Led Zeppelin" and you will automatically be given several bands in the same time period or genre. That has proved to be a good way to branch out and make friends, because of a certain type of labeled music. Well, it has for me at least! I can't remember how many times I've sat with certain individuals discussing/analyzing the music of Pink Floyd, and being welcomed by others because of that! Ah, good times. Good times.

Hmmm, maybe labeling isn't all that bad? Well, no it's not. Unfortunately there are some downsides to being labeled (like food, remember?)

I would guess that about 90% of how and why we, as a society, label individuals is based on stereotypes. New kid comes into your class room, wearing eyeliner and all black clothing. It is so easy to jump on the bandwagon and say this kid is Emo, and more than likely will be the super creepy dude he sits by himself in the corner. Running with that logic (you've not talked to him yet, mind you) you avoid him in the hallways, ignore him when he tries to make small conversation, and put him down behind his back. On the basis of what? The way he dresses and looks. For all we know this fellow could be the happiest, most approachable chap in the world. But because you decided to run with a preconceived notion, you miss out on probably some good times.

One never knows unless they break through the looking glass and approach the guy.

One more downside, and one reason I am against labeling, is the complete absence of individuality. When one finds themselves labeled into a certain group of fellows they are expected to behave and act like the rest of the group. You like what they like. You dress how they dress. You talk how they talk and think how they think. Sounds fun right? So where's the chance to be yourself? Well, to put it simply, it doesn't exist. One couldn't merely say they were an "individual hippy' could they? No no no, all hippies smoke weed, play guitar and listen to the Grateful Dead. So if you say you're a hippy, you MUST do all of these! And we can use that for all kinds of social groups. Its not fair on any level, and frankly is rather cruel to be told you can be anybody but yourself.

So what can we do? Although this is a critical problem in the world today the only way we can fix it is starting at ground zero: ourselves. We can remind ourselves how painful it can be to put down someone merely because of the image they project. Would you like someone to do that to you? I would hope not! You control the world you live in, your individual world. By giving more compassion and more understanding to all beings, we can work to take down the wall that divides us as a race and be accepting of everyone, including ourselves. Its like what John Lennon said:

"There's nothing you can do but learn to be you in time. It's easy! All you need is love!"

Myths About Introverts

At our last Aspie Insiders get-together, the group discussed the differences between introverts and extroverts. One thing quickly became clear: even though it's nice to categorize human beings in one of these two camps, it's rarely the case that someone is "purely" an introvert or an extrovert. We used an introvert vs. extrovert quiz that helped us generate some discussion (found here), and what we found as we went through each statement is that most of our members were all over the place.

Even the very first statement ("I prefer one-to-one conversations to group activities") was met with some speculation. Some of the more introverted members said that they enjoy group activities so long as they don't have to actively participate all the time — if they could remain the "quiet member," it was even better for their personality than a one-to-one conversation. The rest of the quiz was much like this, with many surprises as our extroverts indicated some introverted tendencies and vice versa.

Social Circles!

Rather than look at the quiz as a failure, we determined that everyone is their own unique person, such that even the most introverted person maintains some extroverted qualities. This became very apparent as the issue of social media came up; many introverts have a richer social presence online than in real life. For them, this is where many of their social circles exist.

One other thing that we talked about briefly is some of the myths that exist about both introverts and extroverts. Here's a good article from a self-described introvert about some of the falsities that are out there concerning introverts. (As an introvert myself, I can attest to many of these.)

A last thought from our Insiders is this: a good indicator of whether you're an introvert or an extrovert is in how you react to being social. If being "out and about" and talking to others drains your energy, there's a good chance you're an introvert. Extroverts, on the other hand, often feel energized from being around other people. Of course, this isn't always the case and there are many people who float between these two extremes, but it's often a good starting point for realizing where you stand in all of this.

WHAT ABOUT YOU? DO YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF AN EXTROVERT OR AN INTROVERT, AND WHY? IF YOU HAVE ANY MORE TIPS FOR FIGURING OUT THESE DIFFERENCES, PLEASE SHARE BELOW!

The Mind Does What The Body Tells It

Take a look at the following TED Talk entitled "Your Body Language Shapes Who You Are." It's an extremely interesting case for how important body language is, arguing that our mind tends to follow what our body does (sort of like how a sad person can smile until they actually start to feel happier). In any case, it's an interesting presentation that might change your mind about how the importance of some of that non-verbal communication.

BELOW, LET US KNOW WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT THE VIDEO! IS BODY LANGUAGE REALLY THAT IMPORTANT? AND HOW CAN IT CHANGE NOT ONLY YOU, BUT THOSE AROUND YOU??

Two Surprising Questions To Ask Yourself When Making Friends

photo by Bilal Kamoon

Let's face it: for some, making friends can be really tough. That knot in your stomach -- you know, the one that emerges right when you think you're ready to jump into a conversation -- that isn't something that only you have felt before. It's a common experience among many, and it's not very fun.

Our Insiders recently met with an interesting perspective on this topic of making friends. Rather than looking at that "laundry list" of tips for making friends (example: introduce yourself to someone new), we went back to the basics and asked ourselves two very intriguing questions, one of which was:

How many friends do you actually want?

This first question can best be answered by the acknowledgement that not everyone wants a lot of friends. In thinking about the differences between introverts and extroverts, it's clear that many people are perfectly happy with a smaller group of good friends, while others want as many friends as they can possibly get! Generally speaking, extroverts tend to have more good friends and acquaintances, while introverts have fewer friends in those categories. Don't be fooled, however, as introverts tend to place more value on close friendships and often have a few more of those "most trusted few."

With this distinction made, it's important to be realistic about how many friends you actually want to have in the following categories: acquaintances, good friends, close friends, "most trusted few." Not everyone needs to have as many friends as possible, and indeed some people overwhelm themselves with the notion that they need more and more friends. Once you have this question figured out, you can start working on the next one:

Where do you make friends?

This question focuses on where to make friends rather than how. It's a rewording of a question that clues us in on something very important: one of the best ways to make friends is identifying where they may be. So while it's true that potential friends are all around us, why not make the task even simpler by going to where you absolutely know you can make friends? Consider thinking about some of your interests, skills, hobbies and go to the places in which people are doing those same things. By doing this, it's much easier to practice those conversation skills since you can be sure that others share your interests as well.

Furthermore, this is an easy way to get used to social recreation, that skill of getting friends together and hanging out. It's much easier to spend time with a group of friends when everyone is doing something they like to do. For people who have some social anxiety, this is a great way to get used to being around crowds of people as well.

BELOW, SHARE YOUR OWN THOUGHTS. DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER TIPS THAT MIGHT BE USEFUL FOR MAKING FRIENDS? IF SO, LEAVE A COMMENT AND WE'LL DISCUSS!

Insiders Grab Bag!

Included below is a healthy sampling of some of the more popular entries from our Through Aspie Colored Glasses blog. From learning how to make friends to tips on saving money, check them out! Remember that comments are always appreciated. And of course, don't forget to share this with someone if you think they'll find it interesting.

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Making Friends

An entry on those social skills vital to making new friends and maintaining relationships. While we don't cover everything a person needs to know to develop new friendships, our Insiders go into detail on what has worked for them and what they hope might work for you!

A Framework For Organization

Organization is tough for most, but don't lose hope! Our Insiders look at some proven techniques for turning any space from "ground zero" to a functional place to live, work, play, and so on. Our "framework" for organization provides a step-by-step process that any person can adopt to clean up even the messiest of rooms.

Perfect Planning

Planning, just like organization, is one of those Executive Functioning skills that helps us maintain order in our life. Without it, humanity would simply not get by. The Insiders chime in on what makes planning difficult, and they offer their own advice for any person who finds planning to be tough.

Social Recreation

Behind the seemingly simple idea of "hanging out" with friends, there are many skills that one must coordinate to do something like meet up with a group of buddies on a Friday night. There's planning, communication, organization... and this all before you even meet up with those friends! For some, this all seems like common sense, but for others it's not so easy. Our Insiders offer their own thoughts on what we've termed "social recreation," the practice of meeting up and hanging out with friends.

Insiders: On Money

Finances is a pretty big topic that covers a lot of different things. So rather than looking at advice concerning money, the Insiders sat down for a discussion on how they handle finances. While many good points were made, perhaps the most important one of all is that managing money successfully requires one's own custom strategy. What works for one person doesn't always work for another. If you check this entry out, don't forget to let us know what works for YOU when managing money!

COMING SOON, WE WILL BE DOING INTERVIEWS WITH SOME OF OUR VERY OWN  INSIDERS AND THOSE WITHIN THE ASPERGER'S COMMUNITY. AS OUR ASPIE INSIDERS BLOG CONTINUES TO GROW, WE ARE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR WHAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO HEAR FROM US! LET US KNOW IN THE COMMENTS SECTION BELOW, AND THANKS FOR READING!

The Verbal Filter: Digital Style

Almost every user of Facebook has had that same experience: you're looking through your feed, seeing what your friends are up to, when you come across a status update that is so controversial or downright rude that it nearly makes you cringe. It could be a complaint from a friend who has already made plenty of gripes in recent memory, or it could be a comment that you just know will lead to an explosive argument. Sometimes the comment is of a political or religious nature, and you can't help but wonder if the person who posted that is just looking for a fight.

Perhaps you're on the other side of this picture — maybe you're the one who posts some of these things.

Our Insiders recently met to talk about friendships in the digital world, and one of the most helpful comments that was made was that the verbal filter has a place in the online world as well. For those of you who don't know, a verbal filter is basically what it sounds like: a mental check that we consciously use before an idea turns into words to determine whether our idea needs to be said in a different way, or whether it needs to be mentioned at all! The verbal filter is basically the conversational version of the old adage "look before you leap" (think of it simply as "think before you speak").

Our ability to alter a thought before it leaves our mouth (or cancel the thought altogether) is extremely important when it comes to making friends. Most people avoid the person who blurts out blunt truths without taking some time to think about how those comments might make a person feel. This works the same way in the digital world as well. Even though it's easier to type out a thought and press "enter" — there are no instant ramifications to a poorly constructed thought, you see — it definitely pays to slow down and ask yourself a few questions:

1. Do I need to say what I'm thinking right now? If you feel undecided on this, there's a good chance that you should hold off on posting. Also, consider who will see your comments. Facebook is hardly the place to tell people your deep, personal thoughts (you should take things like that to your "most trusted few").
2. Am I inviting opposition with my post? Unfortunately, there are people on the internet who intentionally post things to spark a negative emotional reaction — these people are often called internet "trolls." Avoid getting identified as an internet troll by thinking ahead and considering what responses you'll get from your post.
3. Is there a better way to say what I want? Effective communication means that you get your point across in a way that's easy for other people to understand. Ambiguous comments or posts online can lead to unintended consequences. And if you choose to say something that you know might hurt a person's feelings, think about how you can "soften" the message so that it sounds like advice rather than criticism.

Of course, these questions can be used not just for posting on Facebook, but for online forums, chatrooms, and even comments sections on popular sites like Youtube. Using a verbal filter can mean the difference between making friends and pushing them away. And as the digital world becomes an even greater part of our lives, practicing some control over what we say and who we say it to can help us build relationships even further.

WHAT DO YOU THINK? IS THE INTERNET A GOOD PLACE TO PRACTICE SOME VERBAL FILTERING? LET US KNOW IN THE COMMENTS SECTION BELOW!

Making Friends

The Aspie Insiders met today with an important discussion topic in mind: friendship! Consider for a moment all of the people who revolve around you on a day-to-day basis: family members, coworkers, close friends, acquaintances, strangers, and so on. These are the people who create YOUR universe, the people with whom you can share feelings or hang out with. Or — as is the case with strangers and acquaintances — they might be the people you get to know as you try to make a new friend.

As we started talking, the founder of the iCan House dropped in to talk with us for a little while! She offered a couple of her own stories about friends who helped her out when she was in desperate need of help. As we talked, a few important points seemed to pop out more than others when it comes to friendship:

• Trust. It is huge in friendships, so much so that it can actually mean the difference between being a friend and a "frenemy" (an enemy disguised as a friend). We identified the truth that trust takes a long time to build, a short time to lose, and can take forever to gain back.
• In trying to be more trustworthy, it's important to do some perspective-taking. Think before you tell someone what you know about another person, even to the point that you ask yourself: "How would my friend feel if he/she knew what I was saying to this person?" If you feel uneasy about the answer to that question, it's probably a good idea to keep your mouth closed.
• Think about practicing "random acts of kindness." A secret to being a good friend is being available to help out when another person is experiencing a challenge (consider this saying: "You'll know who your best friends are when you move — they'll be the ones helping you take your stuff from one home to the next")
• Be careful that other "friends" don't take advantage of you. Helping a friend out with money once or twice is probably okay (though many would disagree with that!), but doing "acts of kindness" over and over again to meet a friend's wish doesn't actually sound too friendly. Consider how many times a friend has asked for your help, and be careful when it comes to money!
• Another secret for making is friends is being able to plan to meet up with friends. We covered this some time ago with our post on "Social Recreation," the term we use for putting together the various pieces it takes to meet up with friends, whether it be for something small like seeing a movie or something big like a Halloween Party!

THE INSIDERS WANT TO EXTEND THE QUESTION TO YOU: WHAT IS THE GREATEST THING A FRIEND HAS EVER DONE FOR YOU? LEAVE YOUR RESPONSE IN THE COMMENTS SECTION BELOW!

Social Recreation

Our Aspie Insiders recently had a discussion about "social recreation," a term used for something that many people have a lot of experience with: spending time with friends.  Rather than just telling funny "hang out" stories, we got down to business and identified the purpose of social recreation — what it can offer us, why we need it, and how we actually go about doing it.

We started with the really big question of why social recreation is important, and here's what our Insiders had to say:

• Social recreation is important because it helps us make friends, keep friends, and socialize. 
• Many people use social recreation as a way to "network" for professional purposes.
• Social recreation can give us a relaxed atmosphere in which to practice social skills — it’s always easier to try something out when you're around people you know.
• Social recreation helps us catch up with the people who are important to us, whether they be friends, family members, or coworkers.

So, social recreation is more than just "hanging out and having fun."  Of course, this is usually what happens in the process of meeting up with friends, but it's important to remember that this idea — of simply calling up friends, making plans, and hanging out —  doesn't come naturally for everyone.  For people with certain social challenges, this can be a huge obstacle in life.  Many of us are quick to send a few texts here or there and go see a movie with a group of friends (in fact, most people probably wish they had more time to do that!), but for some of us it's not that simple.  With that said, our Insiders offered some tips on how to make social recreation a part of one's life:

• When you first meet someone and and decide they would make a good friend, make sure you get in touch and stay in touch (Facebook, phone, email, video games/computer games, etc.).  Make sure you don’t overdo this, however — you can wait for the other person to return a message or phone call.
• Remember that social recreation doesn’t always have to be just meeting up to talk.  While social interaction is a critical part of being a healthy human being, approaching the "art" of hanging out like this can be overwhelming, especially if you're not used to spending time with people.  Instead, consider doing something like watching a movie or playing a board game (hopefully something that everyone can agree on!).
• It pays to be deliberate!  One of our members talked about a friend he met through boxing, saying that he initiated a conversation and friendship but didn’t followup because he didn’t want to be annoying.  While this was good perspective-taking, it's worth noting that keeping up with friends (both new and old) is very important.
• Social recreation can take planning, and the more people you invite, the harder it is to coordinate.  With today’s technology, events can be scheduled with ease and invitations can be sent out to many people at a time (with Facebook, for instance).

One last thing we should add is that social recreation sometimes takes a lot of work.  This is why being deliberate with social recreation is so important.  For many college students who live on campus, the idea of "hanging out" is not a foreign concept at all — between roommates, friends, classmates, and even family members, the next chance to spend time with people is usually right around the corner.  For people who aren't in college or don't have as many of those social interactions, it oftentimes requires planning, time management, and confidence.  Social recreation can sometimes take a bit of work, but it's always worth it!

IF YOU HAVE ANY ADDITIONAL COMMENTS ON "SOCIAL RECREATION," PLEASE ADD THEM BELOW IN THE COMMENTS SECTION!

Asperger's On The Job

Recently, Miles — one of our Aspie Insiders — read a book that greatly changed his outlook when it came to jobs.  The book is called "Asperger's On The Job," and it stands as a guide for both employees with Asperger's Syndrome (AS) as well as employers who have workers with AS.  The author is Rudy Simone, someone who has AS as well, and she provides advice that Miles found enlightening and important.  Some of the greater points that Miles found as he read were the following:

• Simone explains that a majority of people with AS have a knack for appearing blunt, being a perfectionist, or simply showing arrogance.  The thing is, most of the time those people don't realize they are appearing that way.  For Miles, this was a turning point and he recognized that the author had a lot of valuable advice to offer.
• The author made the point that people with AS can find themselves in the center of gossip.  Sometimes this is a good thing, while at other times it's bad.  Fortunately, the book contains ways on how to positively and appropriately handle the situation if it ever comes up.
• The author also uses her own past experiences as someone with AS to demonstrate methods for handling a job.
• The book provides tips on how to handle a job interview and what to do while on the job.
• For employers, the book explains what it's like inside the mind of the person with AS; it also offers ways to help insure positive progress.

As mentioned above, a main point the book makes is that a majority of people with AS can often appear blunt or arrogant or come across as being a perfectionist while on the job.  At the same time, those individuals don't realize that they are appearing this way.  Not only does the author make this point, she also provides techniques for how to handle it.  These can be found below:

"Slow down your urge to inform unless you are being asked specifically for information or advice
- to get your point across, you don’t have to say it directly; being “gentle” or indirect helps in dealing with the uninformed customer
- bluntness and arrogance can sometimes be used to get rid of people that you don’t want to be around; resist the urge to resort to this, as it makes others feel unwanted and leads them to perceive you as rude, mean, etc.
- consider any advice that others give you in this area seriously."

This, to Miles, was the true value of the book.  It's ability to not only identify issues but offer must-have advice on many topics within the workplace was particularly helpful.

IF YOU HAVE ANY ON-THE-JOB EXPERIENCES THAT YOU THINK WOULD BE GOOD TO MENTION, ADD BELOW IN THE COMMENTS SECTION!

Learning When And How To Ask For Help

Our modern-day society can be a pretty overwhelming place at times.  Education, responsibilities, city-life, the advent of technology... all of these things can make life seem infinitely busy.  And as humans, we generally pride ourselves in staying busy.  If we grab a moment for ourselves to just relax and enjoy some mental breathing room, it’s tempting to feel guilty of being unproductive.  Nope, it’s better to keep plugging along and ignore that little voice inside that warns us that something isn’t right...

Perhaps it’s a difficulty with getting college work done, or maybe it’s a family situation that keeps nagging at your conscience; whatever the case, that voice is important.  And as our Aspie Insiders discussed today, being able to listen to that voice and understand when and how to ask for help might just be one of the most important life skills a person can learn.  Not only that, it ties into last week’s topic on assertiveness: asking for help requires that you let your voice be known and identify a certain need.

The Insiders offered their own experiences with learning how to ask for help.  Here are some of the points they discussed:

• The move from high school to college can be a tricky one.  Going from a structured environment (timed schedules, mandatory attendance, being in one location all day) to all the freedoms college offers is an enormous shift and can be pretty overwhelming.  One of our Insiders mentioned that managing time for him was a challenge when it came to this.
• Learning how to ask for help requires that one understand when they can’t do something on their own.  We explained that gauging one’s own capabilities and needs is useful here.
• It was also mentioned that teachers do not always acknowledge a student’s individual needs.  In this case, not being able to ask for help can be detrimental to an individual’s education.  An Insider shared that one of his teachers came to him specifically to offer tutoring in the morning for math when he went through high school.  While this was helpful, we noted that it can be quite the exception in education today (especially at the college level).
• We talked briefly about resources that are available for us in the community and how to access those resources.  It was noted that when facing a situation -- be it personal or whatever -- finding someone who has been through the same experience can be very helpful.
• The Insiders also touched on what it means to ask for help within a serious relationship.  Many of us in a relationship identify that we “need” the other person, but what does that actually entail?  One Insider said that assertiveness was a factor, that sometimes you just have to speak up and -- as we mentioned last week -- open that channel of communication.

The last thing we added to the discussion was a quick step-by-step list for asking for help.  It looked something like this:

1. Identify what you need
2. Identify who you should talk to to get what you need
3. Think about what you need to say to this person
4. Address the issue or challenge
5. Work together to produce solutions
6. Repeat if necessary

In today’s hectic, crowded world, following these steps and asking for help can significantly improve a person's life.  Help exists, but being able to know when and how to ask for it is a skill in itself.

IN THE COMMENTS SECTION, SHARE YOUR OWN STORY ABOUT HOW ASKING FOR HELP MADE YOUR LIFE A LOT EASIER.  WHAT TIPS DO YOU HAVE FOR THOSE WHO STRUGGLE WITH ASKING FOR HELP?

Being Assertive

“Assertiveness Defined”

Not all of us are extroverts.  In fact, as many as one third to one half of our population tends to be introverted instead.  Yet the world seems to favor extroversion.  That tendency to be bold and comfortable in the spotlight is generally associated with high productivity and a desire to succeed.  Along with this list of character traits for extroverts is the idea of being assertive.  Defined as “disposed to or characterized by bold or confident statements and behavior," being assertive sounds a lot like being a leader.

The Aspie Insiders met last week over coffee to discuss this concept and how it applies to them.  We also shared examples about how assertion has helped us in our own lives and identified what it takes to be assertive. 

“What does assertiveness mean to you?”

The Insiders described assertiveness as having the ability to “get your point across.”  We also identified assertiveness as a strong attribute that leaders have.  However, it’s not limited to only those people with leader-like qualities.  Being assertive is an important part of being a human being and letting one’s voice be heard.  Whether working at a job that’s too stressful or being in a relationship that requires some work, assertion can help a person get their point across.  Essentially, the Insiders decided that by being assertive, one can help open up communication in a particularly tricky situation.

We shared examples of how being assertive helped us out in a delicate situation.  Here are some of those examples:

• After working at the same location for 2 years and not being promoted or getting a raise, one person made the decision to ask for more responsibility and learned how to do new tasks.  Within a year, that person got a raise and started to "move up the ladder" at work.
• By being assertive, another Insider was able to get his ideas across at work and school.  Whereas before he thought his ideas weren't that good, after being more vocal he realized that he had a lot to offer (his coworkers and classmates recognized this as well)
• Another person mentioned that he had to ask his teachers in college for a couple of extensions because of personal issues.  By being vocal and assertive, he managed to get his work completed and turned in without a problem.
• Everyone agreed that being assertive is important within serious relationships, where communication is key.
• When one of the Insiders started a new job, he made sure to tell his supervisor that he had Asperger's Syndrome.  He explained what it was and how it affected him.  When a situation came up later while he was on the job, the supervisor was more understanding because of this.
  
  

"When does it pay to be assertive?"

Our discussion led to a few different conclusions about when is a good time to be assertive.  First, it's a good idea to be speak up if your needs aren't being met.  This can be applied to many different situations, from school to basic relationships to the workplace.  If a person feels like they are being mistreated in a situation, they should identify who they need to speak to about the problem.  After that, the person needs to vocalize what they think the problem is as well as any possible solutions they have.  As we mentioned before, most of the point to this is simply opening up communication in order to voice an opinion, a need, or a thought.

We recognized that being assertive can help us to achieve more and succeed at the things we want to do.  At work, for instance, being assertive can help a person accomplish more and get along better with coworkers, supervisors, and others.  One doesn't have to be a natural-born leader to have great ideas.  With assertion, those ideas are not wasted.  Rather, they have a place to go and can actually be implemented.

Finally, being assertive takes on a new meaning within a serious relationship.  Whether you are dating or married or just getting to know someone new, opening up that line of honest communication is extremely important for having your needs met.  If, for example, a person feels that their significant other is spending too much time with their friends, just having that line of communication open and being able to use it can help solve the problem.

The Avenues of Communication

Think briefly about all the different ways we communicate with friends, family, acquaintances, and strangers.  In a technology-driven world, the avenues of communication are many.  From emails to texts to a simple phone call, we are surrounded by things that help us make a connection with people.  With the use of technology today, we can get in touch with people on the other side of the world without a problem.  As time moves on we come up with even more ways to communicate with others.  Video chatting and texting, for instance, are relatively new to the game.

With the ability to communicate so freely comes the challenge of learning how and when to get in touch with other people.  The Aspie Insiders met today over coffee to talk about how they use different forms of communication.  We also came up with some rules and concerns about everything from using the phone properly to the nature of the internet.  Check out some of their thoughts below on the different forms of communication:

A.I. THOUGHTS ON COMMUNICATION

  

Talking on the phone:

• "It's often weird because you can't see the other person's face and miss out on expressions."
• "When I talk on the phone I often picture the other person's face in my mind if I know them.  This usually helps me and I don't have a problem talking on the phone."
• "My parents have told me that I sometimes call too much."
• "If someone doesn't call you back right away, it's okay.  You can usually just wait for them to call you back.  This doesn't apply if it's an urgent matter."
• "Some phones let you see the other person's face when you're calling, which is just another way of communicating."
• "The frequency of your calling depends on the situation.  If it's an emergency, then you should try getting in touch with the person through whatever means possible.  If they don't pick up, try calling someone else to get in touch with them.  If the matter is urgent but not an emergency, leave a voicemail if you have to and give the other person some time to call you back.  If you're just calling as a good friend, you can usually wait for them to get back with you.  When a person doesn't pick up, it might mean that they're busy, just give them some time to return your call."

 Emailing:

•  "The same rules for calling frequency apply with emails.  With emails though, it might be even longer before the other person responds."
•  "Don't send emails over and over again expecting a response -- give the other person time to respond on their own."

Texting:

• "I don't use texting a whole lot.  I prefer talking to people and hearing their voice.  I'll only text a person if that's how they're communicating with me, or if I've called and left a voicemail and still need to get in touch with someone."
• "I use texting to stay in touch with friends that I don't have the time to call.  If I'm trying to get in touch with someone but am busy, I might send a text as well."
• "It's rude to text another person when you're talking to someone!"

Messaging:

• "I used to use AIM when it was popular, but I mostly do my messaging on Facebook nowadays.  Messaging for me is mostly a way to keep in touch with people while I'm using the computer."
• "Messaging is kind of like a relaxed way to text since you're usually at a computer when you're doing it.  I don't use messaging that often, but when I do it's usually to ask a friend something or just catch up."

Communicating on the internet in general:

• "Not everyone on the internet is who they say they are, so you have to be careful."
• "It's a good idea when you meet people on the internet to stay within your circle of friends if possible.  This way you don't end up involved with someone you shouldn't be talking to."
• "Don't accept every friend request you get online.  If possible, check out any mutual friends the other person may have and be careful when it's not clear who someone is."
• "Having your information stolen online is a terrible nuisance.  There are safety options on Facebook that let you encrypt or otherwise protect your information.  This way you don't have someone impersonating you online."